Loose Change

Flora Harrison was furious. After years of telling her mother and sisters that she absolutely would never go on a blind date -- and they knew all about her disaster with Jason-the-Creeper that Alexa, her oldest sister had set her up with in college which culminated with Jason leaving her at the altar and running off with her best friend, Georgia Ann -- her second oldest sister Mary had just told her the bad news.

"I know you don't like blind dates but I think it's time you got over the one bad experience you had years ago. If we don't set you up with blind dates, you don't have any dates at all. Mother and I have talked about this and we agreed that Roger would be perfect for you since he's a perfectionist and you are, too. The fact he has two small children and is the stay-at-home dad for them is just the icing on the cake since you love children but can't have any of your own," Mary said.

This is an example of the dreaded "Tell" syndrome that can afflict any writer, though it's a particular problem for new authors. I just condensed about 2-3 pages of careful back-and-forth dialogue and action into 2 paragraphs. So efficient! There's only one problem. I don't think anyone wants to hear any more about Flora, Jason, Alexa, Georgia Ann, Mary or Roger after those two paragraphs -- certainly not any more than a teen wants to hear Mom spout good advice about everything you should or shouldn't do.

A reader wants to learn about the characters through the characters' thoughts and actions and make up his or her mind about the characters through what the characters reveal, almost accidentally, as the story unfolds. And no, you can't cheat and dump all the information in a conversation and pretend it's a real conversation.

Here is a start on how to change the beginning of our rather stereotypical romance:

"I'm not going on a blind date, Mary. You know why." Flora refused to look at her sister after Mary made the big announcement but she began to hum tunelessly under her teeth. Mary knew as well as she did what it meant when Flora began humming.

"I do understand and I know you're upset at the idea. But this guy is different."

"That's what Alexa said about Jason when she set us up. Remember him? The man who left our wedding with my best friend on his arm and never returned?"

"Our big sister can be an idiot. And Jason was definitely an idiot. But Roger is different. If you give me a chance, I can explain why."

"I don't care if Roger is a Martian with the secret sex formula all Earthling women are dying for! I'm not going there again. Ever."

As you can see, this could take a lot longer but it is (at least marginally) more entertaining for the reader. With any luck they'll want to read more pages to find out why these characters are doing what they do rather than having it all fed to them in the first page.

How do you create a show not tell manuscript? Some tips would be to use images, be specific in your language, show the character doing things rather than saying things and when the characters do say things, make the conversations work the way a real conversation might.

As a quick example, how furious was Flora? Well, maybe not too furious. She's willing to talk despite the humming. What if she was furious enough to punch a hole in the wall/ call 9-1-1/ curse/ walk out the door and never return? Given what her sister had just done, that might be an overreaction. But if she did that, the reader may well want to know why - is Flora a psycho or did Mary really do the unforgiveable? -- and keep reading. You've created interest and moved the story along. The reader is ready to invest his or her time into unfolding the mystery of Flora and crew now.

Treav Harte

www.TrevaHarte.com